bazilah abu hassan bazilah abu hassan: Grumpy Grunt

Tuesday, 8 May 2018

Grumpy Grunt

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Assalamualaikum people!
It's been so long since I have written anything for pleasure. Life is just so hectic at the moment and I have realised that all the stuff my lecturers said are nothing but truth. Cold, hard truth. 
"You are not a human if you do your postgrad study and you don't even cry once about it" - Prof Juliana.
I always thought that I am very good at calming myself down, working under stress and also balancing all the responsibilities in my life. These all were before I decided to continue Master anyway. I have been told by many people that I am living an easy life, I am never sad or stressed and how little of problems I have. These are all true. Were. Now that I am in my second semester (Thank you Allah for granting my prayers to pass the first semester!), I now know that I am a messy depressed lump of fat walking the earth. Life. Is. So. Hard. 
Next semester will be the long-awaited-moment (NOT) for me to complete the thesis. Freaking uni lied about coursework mode! Urghhh. So this semester, all the second semester students got to prepare the research proposal. My title and all the ROs and RQs were approved in the first presentation. Alhamdulillah. So I went ahead for Chapter 2 and currently working on my Chapter 3.
Now, last week I went to see my tutor and out of nowhere he said my title is not approved. Why. Are. You. Like. This. Dr. I was praised for coming out with a research idea that no one has ever looked into. After two months (and two drafts that I literally sweat my ass off to complete), my darling handsome gentle wise lecturer decided that it is not approved and not worth to be researched. This means that I have to think again about the objectives, the questions, the problems I want to address and all the related theories.
Seriously Dr?
Sooo, like it or not. I have to amend lot of things in my drafts. More like redoing it actually. And it is troublesome because I have other mini researches to be completed too. I have not analyse the data for other mini researches and not to mention study for three upcoming tests. And I have less than three weeks to have all these tied together. For the first time in my life, I am stressed out. I have constant headaches, my hair fall like it's freaking autumn up there, I got anxious for no reasons and I don't eat like how I used to which is bad because I want to lose weight and now I mostly eat whatever consume the least time which lead to me chomping on biscuits or sweet buns which are unhealthy, I know.
Now, with all the works I have, the stupidity in me decide to come out. 
*the stupid in me crawling out*
I downloaded three new games - Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery, Fight List and Fun Run 3. I am already occupied with Toy Blast and Home Design. I got addicted easily and very determined to score the best. Fight List especially, is my kind of games. I spent hours everyday on it, challenging any available opponents. I am so stupid. I should have known myself better and download all that games after this semester ends.
I really can't wait to end this semester but at the same time I am really afraid if I could not make it through. Whatever it is, life is a gamble and I already feel better by ranting about the hustle I am having now. And I always remind myself that lot of people have it harder. My friends who are doing engineering or medical study will be ten times more stressful than I am. All the best y'all!
Since I feel happier and more at ease now, I will go back to reading and writing for my research proposal and also my other mini researches. I gotta finish that shit up and reward myself with lot of good books later. Stay happy and healthy, everyone!
Thank you for reading!

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