My Postgraduate Journey

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

Hi pipol!

It's 2020 and I have finally completed my postgraduate study. Alhamdulillah. Anyway, I don't have much things to do except the translation and editing stuff. So, here I am - rambling about my postgraduate journey. I wanted to rant on Instagram or Twitter but I figured out that if I want to write long boring paragraphs, I better do it here. Plus, I haven't write anything for so long other than my thesis which was a torture. It's a miracle God kept me sane and happy during my thesis writing. Thank you, Allah.

Long story short, I enrolled into Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia on 4th September 2017 for Master of Arts (English Language Studies), like four months or so after I completed my degree. People asked me why I choose to do Master's Degree. Reason number one, I felt like I have let my parents down with my SPM result back in 2013. So, I wanted to you know, like achieve something extra for them. Reason number two, haha I am not going to tell you. Because you might call me crazy. But, none of the reasons include things like 'Oh because I want to be a lecturer' or 'I hope I can get paid more' or 'I think I can get better job with a Master's Degree'. 

My lovely school - School of Language Studies and Linguistics

My study mode was coursework and I remember vividly how happy I was when I got to know that there is no thesis for coursework. But boyyyyy, I was betrayed. I went to the briefing for postgraduate students on 5th September 2017 and the coordinator was like 'Walaupun kita mod kerja kursus, kita tetap ada thesis ya. Sebab ya lah, kita kan research university. So, memang wajib buat thesis.' Ha ha tipah tertipu. I wanted to quit at that moment but come on lah, I already paid so much for the fees, I doubt they would give me refund. Ini bukan Giant boleh mintak refund.

So I watlek watpis even though I was nervous. Very nervous. I know myself very well and I know how weak I am at academic writing and that weakness alone, was a hurdle to almost everything. But Allah is indeed The Most Merciful. I was blessed with helpful and caring classmates. People often say that postgraduate journey is a lonely path, but I beg to differ. It was arduous but not lonely in any way. The assignments were very interesting although at times, I felt like I was the stupidest person on earth because I literally know nothing. My classes were fun and I would say I learnt a lot.

So, my course includes 6 compulsory subjects and 3 electives subjects and a 12 credits Master Thesis. The fee was around 2k per semester which was the cheapest among most universities. Eheh that's why I chose UKM. Cheap fee heheh. I remember doing all sort of jobs (halal only) to earn money. It was hard back then. Anyway, I think the most interesting classes were Approaches to Discourse and Sociolingustics. You could analyse people from their language use and understand the underlying meanings. And oh, the amazing theories proposed by brilliant linguists. I LOVE THE TWO CLASSES THE MOST! 

Anyway, what did I learn form my postgraduate journey? Two important things:

1. I know nothing

It was humbling. I went to classes, listened to the lectures and I realised I know nothing. When I read journal articles from excellent researchers in the field, I felt like I don't understand English. Made me realise that no matter how good you are, there are always people better than you. And that, should be the reason why I should always stay humble. Berjalan tunduk ke bumi, hati terpasak di kaki, jangan mendongak meninggi diri. Whatever knowledge I have gained, they are all biiznillah, dengan izin Allah. If He wants to take away what I know, He could do it in one split second. So, really, I should never be proud of having a Master's Degree but rather, happy and grateful.

2. Work hard, pray hard

I paid my postgraduate fees on my own. So, I have to work. October 2017, I was accepted as a subtitler. I translated Bahasa Melayu subs into English until around May 2018. Then, around October 2018, I got a job as translator and editor for digital novels. Still working for the same company until now. It was so hard to work while studying. I have massive respect for people who are working and studying at the same time because now I know, I cannot do it. My sleeping schedule was a mess, just like my life. But, I realise when you give it your all, you just have to pray to Him. He will ease what was hard, and lighten what was heavy. I learn to rely on Allah a lot more than before. And indeed, when I gave my all and prayed to him after that, I got what I asked for. It's a combination of effort + time + prayers.

Anyway, I would like you to introduce you to my Susie Pie (my thesis. The Malay name is Susah Payah because memang susah nak mampus nak siapkan benda alah ni. Well, maybe it was because I was stupid but whatevs.)

Ah you baby, so pretty. And cost me so much money too. But issokay. You are worth it.

One in front of the school.

See my nameeeee?! 

Ayyyy, I think I should stop rambling. I hope when I grow old and all wrinkled, I would look back at this maroon baby and remember I did something amazing once in my life hahah. Also, now I should start looking for a new job and earn more money. Time to start hustling hard. I pray that everyone who is reading this would be blessed with endless rezeki and may all your matters be ease by the Almighty.
Thank you for reading! 

Invalid Dreams

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

Hi pipels.

Few days ago, I stumbled upon a tweet questioning why certain people dream of getting married early. Why these people can't see bigger picture like trying to polish their talents, try to be multimillionaire or something. Well... I am not proud of this but in my younger years, I used to think that way. I don't see why marriage should be a dream. I mean, sure it's nice to have someone by your side through your ups and downs, having beautiful children and grow old together. But, why just that? Why can't you DREAM BIGGER? Now I am 24, I feel like slapping the life out of the old me or in lovely Ganu words - lepang bia mapuh.

So, yeah. I used to think that way. Until I watched one K-drama and it hit me right where it supposed to - my ego, my so called big dream, my self-centered beliefs. I screen capped the moments that changed my views on dreams.  

 Honestly, the last frame made me feel not so great about myself or to be frank, I feel like a total asshole. I realised that at some points, I may have thought becoming a successful independent woman is wayyyy better than getting married early, settling down, have babies and grow old with the love of my life. This is where I believe many of us went wrong with dreams or life goals.

You see my friends, dreams or life goals are exclusive to that particular person. We could not and should never measure people's dreams. Each of us views life differently. While some think that getting married is everything, some may never think about having a partner. And, you know what? Both dreams, both goals are valid and fine as they are. If you feel like having a husband or wife at such early age is great, go ahead. Achieve it. It's awesome. If you feel like not getting married until you are rich or successful enough, amazing! Do it. Turn it into reality.

What we tend to overlook is there is no one ultimate dream (except stepping into syurga straightaway). You dream differently, I dream differently, she dreams differently, he dreams differently. But does that make one less than another? Umm, no. And whatever your dreams are, it's okay, it's amazing. What not okay is when we push our dreams on another. We forced people to view their dreams are less significant than ours because we thought so. Now, that's not okay. It is never okay to feel your dream is bigger than other's just because you thought so.

Imagine, you are very proud with your dreams of owning a property somewhere in KL, earning more than 20k per month, travelling the world and eating at expensive restaurants. Now, you tell your dream to someone and she scoffs at your dreams, calling it small or insignificant. How would you feel? You see, just because we feel our dream is meaningful to us, doesn't make it as meaningful for others. Hence, never ever question or even worse, belittle the dreams of other people.

In short, just respect people's dreams even if you don't feel that such thing should not be dream of because hey, it's someone else's dreams. Why you sibuk sibuk want to criticise? If you have that much time, you should go work on your dreams. This is of course, a reminder to myself too. We should never sibuk sibuk in someone else's life okay? Let's live our own lives, respect others and work on our dreams.

I shall end my ramble here because I wanna go make some money because that's my dream. I want to make a lot of money LOL kidding. I just want to have enough to live okay? Now, pray together with me - Siti Nurbazilah binti Abu Hassan will never run out of money and always have enough to live. Aamiin.

Thanks for praying for me, guys! Haha.
See you when I feel like rambling again.

Old People Cake

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

Hi guys.

I have never told this to anyone but hey, 21 is my favourite number now. Ngiahaha. And today, on this 21st August 2019, I actually baked a cake. An edible one. Honestly, I like baking and cooking but those who know me would know that I barely pass in the chores. Say I bake 10 times. The amount the end products are actually edible might be around 2,3? Hahahah. That how sucks I am in baking and cooking. 

Anyway, today I baked old people cake because old people like it? Or maybe because it is derived from old, old recipe and time where people donno what Chocolate Indulgence or Red Velvet is? Whatever. My mom calls it Kek Marjerin because that's the main ingredient, I think. Some people call it Kek Minyak. I assume they substitute marjerin with minyak. Anyway, I got the seriously easy and simple recipe from here. Tapi, guwe kan lagi suka acah tau despite the fact guwe sucks in baking. So, instead of following the recipe step by step, I actually altered it a tiny bit.

So, basically, these are the ingredients and steps.

Ingredients.

1. 1 cawan gula halus (I is acah tau I used brown sugar (I regret it tho))
2. 1 cawan marjerin pelangi (any marjerin would do)
3. 1 cawan tepung gandum
4. 1 sudu kecil baking powder (I add cream of tartar too because I saw the bottle lying in the baking basket lonely. So I dont want tartar to feel lonely. Lol honestly I dont know why I add it.)
5. 3 eggs
6. 1 sudu kecil esen vanila 

Steps

1. Beat the sugar and margarine until it turns fluffy and white.
2. Add the egg one by one. Continue to beat them violently after each egg is added.
3. Add the esen vanilla.
4. Sift in the flour and baking powder.
5. Mixed them well.
6. Separated them into three colour.
7. Put the colour one scoop by one scoop. Selang seli okay?
8. And then, bake it at 160' for 35 mins.

So you wanna see how my cake looks like? Ermmm okay. 

So you remember I said I used brown sugar instead of white sugar? Yeah guys, my cake is practically brown. Like, no use to add colour. And I also freaked out a bit when my eggs and margarine mixture started to curdle. And then, I remembered that my margarine was from the fridge but the eggs were not. But you don't have to freak out like me if it happens to you. Just add in the flour and follow the steps. The batter will be fine in the oven. Anyway, it tasted decent. My parents like it. I guess that will do. I'm not a fan of sweet food so I reduced the sugar to like 3/4 cup and I still find it a bit too sweet for my liking. But again, I am so used to bland food so my taste bud is actually pathetic. I pity the people who have to eat my cooking hahah. 

With the ingredients, you won't get a big cake but the size is just nice for 4-5 people. I always find cakes like this are best eaten when they are still warm. The edge of the cake is still crispy and crumble in your mouth. Yum!

That's all I have to say because 21 is now my favourite numberrrr. So I have to write something on my blog. Actually 21 is second favourite. First is 13. Okay, bye!

Thanks for reading!

Attitude... It's Always Attitude

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

Some cringy quotes but it's true.

Peeps. I was really furious few days back when I heard someone said stuff along the line of "Memang la dia jahat, dia buat .... (insert horrible stuff you'd hate people do unto you). Tapi dia cantik." Sis, sorry. I don't give one gram of care about how people looks. It's always attitude, always! If you do shit to me, you are shit. If you are nice to me, you are nice. Your face, your look, your body has nothing to do with your attitude.

I know that lot of people really love fair skin and pretty people. I got it. Some people rely heavily on visual. Their preferences depend on how things/people looks. But what I don't get is -- why you let all that facade, the things you are seeing, undermine the quality of that individual? So what if she/he got dark skin? What's wrong with not looking pretty like those in the magazine or on Instagram and Twitter? Why does everything always, always has to do with looks?

I was never one of the pretty girls. Back in school, I had several encounters where boys would use my name to joke around with other boys. Like telling their boy friend that I like him. It was like an insult  to the boy as I was not pretty (still am, lol). I was angry. I thought that boy was thinking too highly of himself that he took the joke seriously and looked down on me. I even made jokes about how he looks and how dare he thought that I would like him for how his face. Although I made that remarks because I was angry, I realised that I too for a moment became like them. I judged their look. And I don't want to be that kind of person anymore. I was 13 at that moment and I told myself repeatedly that looks don't matter. It was my attempt to console myself hahah but it changed me for the better. At least now I don't really care how people look. XD

I feel like it was such a waste of talent, ability and skills when people started to judge other people on their appearances. Hey, I know that appearance is important but to me, as long as you dress neatly and accordingly, you are pretty and handsome. And I always find that the kinder the people, the more beautiful or handsome they appear. But, I really don't get it. I know few people who say things like "Tak lawa, tapi dia baik lah" or "Boleh tahan, sayangnya gelap." And the same people would say, "Takpelah dia cerah" or ''Hei perangai teruk, nasib baik lawa." EXCUSE ME PEOPLE? Why the judgement always have to include appearance or looks? Why can't you see beyond that? Why can't we appreciate the sincere smiles, the way they talk, the jokes and they aura they radiate? Or better, their talents, their skills, their abilities. And oh, if their attitude sucks, they sucks. No pretty or handsome face can save that. Periodt.

Literally me when people use appearance to judge people.

I have lot of friends whose look might not be up for the social standard of beauty but well, they look pretty and lovely everyday, effortlessly. Looking at such people, I believe that when you are happy, you are kind, you made people around you feel at ease with you, you will definitely look prettier and glowing-er than ever. So, be happy, be kind people. You don't have to ridicule yourself for not looking like those pretty girls or handsome guys on social media. Be you. You by far, is the nicest version of yourself. Though I know that the world won't work the way I hope, I will forever believe in good attitude makes you look better.

Andddd, we are going to hit 2020 very soon and I really hope this culture of degrading or looking down on people because of their looks would extinct sooner than that. But if you ever read about Halo Effects, you might understand why this culture would be hard to be eliminated. Sad, innit? Truth is, the world will never stop judging you by how you look.  But just try your best to never think about how people look and see beyond that. :) Because believe me, when you stop judging people by how they look, you won't give a damn when people comment on how you look and random people commenting on strangers' looks won't matter anymore. You won't be affected.

Anyway, thank for reading! And remember, beautiful heart makes you beautiful.

Tinggal Pergi

Menjadi yang ditinggalkan akan sentiasa menyakitkan.

Saban malam, memikirkan segala susuk kekurangan.

Setiap detik, merenung apa yang sebenarnya boleh dilakukan.

Setiap saat, mengintai kalau-kalau ada yang boleh dibetulkan.

Kata sudah dilafaz.

Janji sudah dimungkiri.

Manis sudah berganti benci.

Yang jadi, sudah jadi.

Yang pergi meninggalkan jarang sekali kembali pulang.

Apa yang menyakitkan sukar benar mendatangkan kegembiraan.

Perlahan-lahan, lepaskan.

Dikenang boleh, digantung harap jangan.

Semoga satu saat, akan tiba kekuatan untuk benar-benar melupakan.