Tuesday 14 April 2020

Day 5: Something I Struggle With

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

Heyyyy people!

I skipped the previous topic to write about, 'Five ways to win my heart'. It's a bit hard to write about because I think I need a longer time to think about it. Benda pasal hati ni messy and berat so we need to tunggu ada hati then we can write. Ah gitu. So, I will write about things I struggle with first.

I think most of my friends know I am struggling with driving. I just turned all pale, sweaty and silent when I sit behind the wheels. It is so nerve wrecking and I could not muster enough courage to drive. Hence, I stopped halfway in my driving lesson hahaha. I did try to drive but well, you should ask my friend, Mirah, the look on my face the moment I sit in the driver's seat. Let's just say I look like I saw death in person pffft. But, it kinda difficult to tell people that you are struggling with driving because it appears to be an easy task to many people. Let's pray that I will be able to drive too in the future, ok? Hahah.

Another thing I have been struggling with is talking to strangers. I would say that I am very talkative and chatty but with people who I am not familiar with, I come off as poyo and sombong gitu. I talk very little. I remember my conversation with a fellow bus-rider at TBS few years ago. He was sitting two seats away from me. The conversation went like this;

Him: Nak balik kampung ke?
Me: Ha'ah.
Him: Student ke?
Me: Ha'ah.
Him: Kampung kat mana?
Me: Terengganu.
Him: Ooo bas pukul berapa?
Me: 10.30.
Him:  Oh sama lah.
Me: *senyum and nod*

And after a while, the brother's bus arrived first, he picked up his bag, said bye and I smiled. The reason I remember this conversation is because right after the brother left for his bus, my friend, Kak Yong who was sitting beside me said, "Hang ni Ba, kalau dengan orang hang kenai bukan main riuh. Dengan orang hang tak kenai mulut serupa ada emas. Dia tanya banyak banyak, hang jawab ja. Apa salahnya tanya balik dia asal mana, study mana, bas koi berapa. Berat mulut betoi."

Now, this is my struggle. When strangers make conversation by asking me questions, I automatically masuk gear menjawab soalan semata-mata and never ask them anything. I think the reason I acted like that with strangers is because I often feel like I only need to ask questions to people who matter to me, whose life I am interested to know about. Hence, I don't ask questions to strangers. Wah begitu angkuh pemikiran seorang Bazilah ya. No wonder I received lot of remarks telling me that I look sombong. I guess I do appear like an indifferent asshole to strangers. As Mark Manson said, indifferent is bad. And I don't want to be seemed as bad.

So, one of my 2020 resolutions is to talk to strangers. If they ask me questions, I will answer and ask same or similar question to them. I will learn to control my level of indifference so that I don't appear as bad. Maybe I should take a lesson with my partner in crime, Bibso. That woman, she can make friends with people who sit beside her in the bus. An amaze-ball she is! Me on the other hand, would always take the single seat, buried my head in a book and avoid making eye-contact with anyone. Bibso is so amazing she can make friends with almost anyone. She asks the right questions, shows the right amount of interest and knows where to stop the conversation. In short, she's not awkward at all and she's friendly with everyone. That's it, the first thing I will do tomorrow is send my application to be her disciple.

I guess these two are among things I am struggling with and trying hard to overcome. Y'all wait, in 2021, I would be driving on the road and while driving, I would be so friendly I roll down all four windows and say 'Hi!' to every car that passes by. You just wait ok.

Till then, thanks for reading!

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